In honor of Kick-Ass 2, we asked our team of comedy writers to come up with a fantasy Superhero, and their top 5 superpowers!!
SUPERHERO: Passive-Agro Girl
by Nicole Drespel
5. The Infinite Eye Roll
4. Adamantium elbows  
3. Can absorb infinite negativity into her heart sphere
2. Super-sonic sighs 
1. Tweeting
SUPERHERO: Delivery Boy
by Brandon Scott Wolf
1. He’s never on time2. He always has food on him3. He can bike pretty well4. He looks cool wearing a hat5. He can fly
SUPERHERO: Captain Comfort
by Jeremy Glass 
1. Has a perpetual sunburned back that he allows good citizens to peel.2. Shoots out bubble wrap from his nipples to distract criminals with the enticement of popping said wrap.3. Has thick hair that you can run your fingers through. Especially convenient for people being robbed who have the chance to run away while their robber is busy touching someone else’s hair.4. Can decongest a plugged nose with a wave of his palm.5. Can scratch that part of your impossible-to-reach section of your back.6. Dries damp socks with his laser vision.
SUPERHERO: Bubble Man!
by Emily Duncan
1. He shoots dangerous laser bubble streams from his hands and also eyeballs.
2. He can create an iridescent force-field around him.
3. He can FLY using a cloud of BUBBLES.
4. He leaves a slick trail of bubble-liquid wherever he goes, like a speedy glamor snail, slipping up all who pursue him.
5. He can carbonate stuff. He’ll carbonate the bad guys TO DEATH.
SUPERHERO: Panic Man
by Shawn Wickens
1. Strength
2. Courage
3. Determination
4. Charisma
5. Poise
That’s right, I just described a competitive figure skater.

In honor of Kick-Ass 2, we asked our team of comedy writers to come up with a fantasy Superhero, and their top 5 superpowers!!

SUPERHERO: Passive-Agro Girl

by Nicole Drespel

5. The Infinite Eye Roll

4. Adamantium elbows  

3. Can absorb infinite negativity into her heart sphere

2. Super-sonic sighs 

1. Tweeting

SUPERHERO: Delivery Boy

by Brandon Scott Wolf

1. He’s never on time
2. He always has food on him
3. He can bike pretty well
4. He looks cool wearing a hat
5. He can fly

SUPERHERO: Captain Comfort

by Jeremy Glass 

1. Has a perpetual sunburned back that he allows good citizens to peel.
2. Shoots out bubble wrap from his nipples to distract criminals with the enticement of popping said wrap.
3. Has thick hair that you can run your fingers through. Especially convenient for people being robbed who have the chance to run away while their robber is busy touching someone else’s hair.
4. Can decongest a plugged nose with a wave of his palm.
5. Can scratch that part of your impossible-to-reach section of your back.
6. Dries damp socks with his laser vision.

SUPERHERO: Bubble Man!

by Emily Duncan

1. He shoots dangerous laser bubble streams from his hands and also eyeballs.

2. He can create an iridescent force-field around him.

3. He can FLY using a cloud of BUBBLES.

4. He leaves a slick trail of bubble-liquid wherever he goes, like a speedy glamor snail, slipping up all who pursue him.

5. He can carbonate stuff. He’ll carbonate the bad guys TO DEATH.

SUPERHERO: Panic Man

by Shawn Wickens

1. Strength

2. Courage

3. Determination

4. Charisma

5. Poise

That’s right, I just described a competitive figure skater.

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