In honor of Kick-Ass 2, we asked our team of comedy writers to come up with a fantasy Superhero, and their top 5 superpowers!!
SUPERHERO: Passive-Agro Girl
5. The Infinite Eye Roll
4. Adamantium elbows
3. Can absorb infinite negativity into her heart sphere
2. Super-sonic sighs
SUPERHERO: Delivery Boy
1. He’s never on time
2. He always has food on him
3. He can bike pretty well
4. He looks cool wearing a hat
5. He can fly
SUPERHERO: Captain Comfort
1. Has a perpetual sunburned back that he allows good citizens to peel.
2. Shoots out bubble wrap from his nipples to distract criminals with the enticement of popping said wrap.
3. Has thick hair that you can run your fingers through. Especially convenient for people being robbed who have the chance to run away while their robber is busy touching someone else’s hair.
4. Can decongest a plugged nose with a wave of his palm.
5. Can scratch that part of your impossible-to-reach section of your back.
6. Dries damp socks with his laser vision.
SUPERHERO: Bubble Man!
1. He shoots dangerous laser bubble streams from his hands and also eyeballs.
2. He can create an iridescent force-field around him.
3. He can FLY using a cloud of BUBBLES.
4. He leaves a slick trail of bubble-liquid wherever he goes, like a speedy glamor snail, slipping up all who pursue him.
5. He can carbonate stuff. He’ll carbonate the bad guys TO DEATH.
SUPERHERO: Panic Man
That’s right, I just described a competitive figure skater.